Monster plague

I watched the kindest people I'd ever met turn to monsters before my eyes. I watched my father and my mother in their darkest days of domestic violence. I watched my best friend pull a knife on a kid one forth his size, and after that slice open my back, and pull out my heart from my insides. I felt the hollow hole within, and chose to steal that of another's. I watched me shatter the future of my unconditional lover. I watched this plague of hate and pain spread around the world, and all of this just writhin the days of a teenage girl.

Borderline Ambiance

I sit here absolutely exhausted by the constant buzz in my head to go go go. Music won't stop the thoughts, nor will drawing, or television. He runs through my mind a lot. Day after day for me feels like seconds but I bet for him every day must feel like a thousand years time here.  He's in England, and it is snowing, and he seems happy. Here I am in the US suffocating in my own lard. Maybe he would love me if I lost the weight, or if I had more money, dressed the right way, talked politics. The alternate personality in my walks down the halls of class and future fame and she is thin and looks down on him and me and everything and speaks " This is all wrong, wrong wrong wrong." Then she slaps us both dusts off the bull shit and rips the fat out of me, shoves me in Chanel on a private jet, and leaves him in his dorm to die and rot in his pot belly button ups.
When I wake up in Kathrine's world there is a mighty king asleep next to me and the curtains billow at the open window with a view out to the sea.
I never want to leave but when he wakes the king see's me instead of Kathrine, and I am escorted out promptly. They would never let me on her jet, none the less she already sent it home. I book a economy class ticket back to the US immediately from an internet cafe' and return to hell.
When she returns she slaps me again, redresses, calls and apologizes to her rich new boyfriend, explaining how I am the problem personality. I should let her have my body, but she is a sociopath and to the people I know and love that is the same as committing suicide.

Still slowly she eats at my personality twitchy and tweaking, and spending money my mother doesn't have.

Lonely Princess

she never feared anything more than losing you
ice princess
lonely princess
sleepwalking through it all
she ran away to an island
where she thought she'd find you
ice princess
lonely princess
all she ever loved was you
nightmare came true
and she looked forever
but in the end you were nowhere to be found
ice princess
lonely princess
wake up its just a bad dream
but when she woke you were nowhere to be seen
hugs and kisses all she ever loved was you
lovely girl
like a rose
fragile so breakable
you hid to protect her I suppose
ice princess
lonely princess
boy you thought you could save her
boy your to afraid to break her
ice princess
lonely girl
said goodnight to her best friend
your never in her dreams
and that's why the fears so fiercely mean
when you actually leave
she cant imagine you'll ever be seen again
ice princess
lonely princess
go to sleep
losing your best friend is the scariest thing
she's going to sleepwalk through it all
ice princess
lonely princess
sleep

Love letters from pain.

Bff I'm sitting in bed at one AM crying and I want you to know everything I said has nothing to do with you. Its my mental problems and I just couldn't let myself keep treating you the way I have been. You don't deserve it. You deserve the most amazing boyfriend or girlfriend there is. You don't need to deal with the crying scared failure at college. I have been so mean to you it makes me sick inside and I can't let myself keep doing this to you. I love you I stupidly decided that the best way to save you from me was to push you away. In the end I just don't want you to give up on whatever it is that you have for me. Just don't let me hurt you anymore. I want so much to be with you but I cannot stand by when I am this horrible to you. You are the reason I am alive at all and without your friendship I have no reason to live at all. Please never leave me alone I feel like I am having a heart attack right now for a reason... I read the whole letter and the other one too, I don't think I will ever miss T again when I have been so amazingly fortunate to have you anywhere in my life. I miss you more than anything you are my friend my love and my family. Goodnight to the most wonderful gift any lovesick boy could ask for and the sweetest friend on the planet.

Burned

Your getting colder now
I can see it in your eyes
The sting of growing up a prisoner brings control desire
And I can feel the heat now
The sting of just your touch
The burn marks are as beautiful as the wall that they build up

Even spiders die with love.

Arachne dangles in the afternoon sunlight, suspended in the transition of the smoky sunlit haze to the long awaited dampening. Pools reflecting city street lights catch my eye out the kitchen window. Here we remain shielded from the swift shift in time. As the cadence begins, damp air leaks in through the screen, tickling my skin. The hairs on my arms raise to admit surrender and point blame. With a transient glace I catch her in the early stages, constructing a translucent veil. The process is personal and loving. My eye's are trespassing as is she.

I belong in the shadow of the room, silent and watching as they go about their lives. Cars pass by with haste and none of them stop at the sign. Inside the blood in my veins slows and begins dragging in reverse to shadows, of harsh winter storms, poverty, the never ending lack of blankets, and depression. I don't miss depression, but when I was depressed I never missed reality. Everything is so vivid here. The painful things don't sting any more, but everything else is in bright harsh color that often makes me want to throw up rainbows and curl back into my imagination. That's how I got here to this room with the family that keeps me warm, but I don't belong here. I am silent. I feel forgotten but she is not.
I glance again at the veil, and entangled in her own art she struggles. Again I am trespassing. The struggle is more private than the creation. Time slows then speeds up again. She doesn't fidget any longer. She is the final ornament to the lace sculpture, and now hangs in content as if life's passing is just another one of life's intimate moments. Indeed she seems to whisper that I can now feel the way she feels too.

The New Beginning

At my highest weight ever I come crawling back to my blog, the only place I find people who understand me. I feel like a whale. If I keep a record and have support maybe I can save myself from the hell that is being fat.